


Heering Voices

by Smurf004



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Diary/Journal, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, POV First Person, Sad with a Happy Ending, hurt/comfort?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 20:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17752721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smurf004/pseuds/Smurf004
Summary: When the SQUIP took over my brain I had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind; regret, second guesses and what not.. some days I honestly felt good about it. I was popular, I had more friends and everything was great, but sometimes I felt like it was a huge mistake.This follows the events of the musical.





	Heering Voices

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the name of this, I had to...  
> This is a songfic to the song Hearing Voices by Once Monsters: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOx564HSYc8

Jeremiah Heere, 

When the SQUIP took over my brain I had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind; regret, second guesses and what not.. some days I honestly felt good about it. I was popular, I had more friends and everything was great, but sometimes I felt like it was a huge mistake. 

 

There was a figure I saw and heard; no one else could. It kinda looked like a blue Keanu Reeves, and it made everything better… It's voice was smooth, clean and the direction I needed to follow, it was the answer to all my problems, to make Christine like me, make Christine know I'm alive. It was the loudest voice in my head.   
And it felt great, I finally was going to be cool.

 

It told me to stand up straight...  
It told me to choose a shirt, I chose a girls… It didn't like that too much...  
It told me to tell Brooke she looked sexy...  
It told me to go with her… I declined...

It told me to go with Brooke...   
I wanted to wait for Michael. It said that Michael had left without me, something I thought he'd never do, even if he did have to get home. I didn’t listen, it told me to listen to what it said and do it. 

It told me, so I obeyed.

 

Push ups… My punishment...

 

I slept uneasy, the voice a constant in my head, everything about me was just terrible, everything about me made me want to die. It's voice replaced with my own, I believed it. If I wanted to be popular, get with Christine, my sanity was worth the risk.. Wonder what Michael was up to, haven't said anything to him in a while…   
Electricity ran through my body.

 

Brooke was a sweet girl, she was my guaranteed ticket to the top of the school food chain, the popular kids. I sat with them, their talking drowning the voice in my head for a few minutes before it was back. I slouched a bit, almost scared. Sparks. I sat up straighter looking around. It grinned, looming over Jake and Rich’s heads. The others found it funny. Apparently, so did I.

 

Still no Michael… No, don't think about him… He's only holding you back… I don't know who said that. A shock ran through me again, the seventh time today and it's not even time for first period. 

 

“It’s time to start if you want to get to school on time Jeremy” So I laid on the floor ready. My arms hurt… It began to count.

 

“Christine!” I shouted happily spotting the girl. Her black hair swished over her face, a smile widening with an arm toward me, I felt my heart stop, I waved back. It brought me back. I was getting used to talking to girls, the SQUIP was really helping.

 

“It's never going to happen Jeremy, there are plenty of other girls in this school” NO, it had to be Christine… I had the biggest crush on her, three years now… I couldn't move on from her… It shocked me. Told me to upgrade. It was too much. I didn't need it's constant pestering. 

“Get out of my head for five minutes” I said shaking my head. Hands clasped tightly pulling at my hair. It worked! It actually vanished and the silence was overwhelming… The fog cleared, I felt like I could breathe again. Was that feeling always there? I looked around opening my eyes. The familiar red hoodie, the thick black framed glasses, those battered white headphones, worn by my best friend, the one who was always by my side. My Player One. Michael Mell.  
“So now you want to talk… What's gotten into you man..?” he sounded annoyed, it hurt…  
“I've been blocking him”, It's back… That didn’t last long.  
Michael's voice drowned out it's talking, his face so conflicted… Michael… My best friend looked so hurt, yet so happy for me. “We have to celebrate!” his light voice was soon forgotten, I upgraded to a life without him… If it's what had to be done, it had to be done… I couldn’t let all that money go to waste.

 

It nagged at my brain, sleep not coming easy, yet my exhaustion had no problem... I stared at my wall, back turned to the vision of an actor I wish I could forget… My hands were tightly wound in fists bunching my blankets, was this what I wanted..? “Yes it is Jeremy…” I believed it too…

 

I cried myself to sleep again...  
I still did push ups in the morning...

 

I sat at the table, it behind me, it's voice was next to my ear telling me how to act. Brooke smiled up to me, I only gave a small, somewhat caring smile back before looking back to the table. She’s not the one I wanted though… The SQUIP praised me, I just felt terrible… Brooke was amazing… I couldn't show her just how cool amazing she really was…  
I acted like I didn't care about her, she was so nice and caring to me even though I was constantly pushing her away… Not showing her a single real emotion... Ouch. Not again… “Be more chill Jeremy…” Okay...

 

“You must obey, I'm only trying to make you more chill” be more chill, not cool, be more chill. “That's right” it's voice loud in the silent hum of my room. My Nintendo 64 out of sight, the Apocalypse of the Damned poster covered by one of Eminem, I didn’t really like him... Was he even relevant anymore? “Yes you do Jeremy” I looked to the corner where my old clothes lay with my bean bags… When was the last time Michael was over..? When did I even see him last..? I think I saw something of his. I should at least return it to him. “No, stop thinking about him. He's not apart of this new Jeremy.” The SQUIP kept talking, it's voice louder than my own; he’s holding you back. I cried myself to sleep again.

R.I.P Eminem...

 

This is what I wanted.  
This is what I wanted..  
This is what I wanted...

Halloween Night… Drunk teens… Chloe… The SQUIP... Regrets…   
Shouting? Crying? Is this what I wanted? Yes it is… Okay...

I stumbled into the bathroom shutting the door quickly behind me, it's voice a distant buzz of Japanese and gibberish glitches. This wasn't good… I was alone… Where was the SQUIP now? I needed- “Jeremy..?” the warm voice shone brightly as I turned to see Michael. A CREEPS shirt crumpled as he sat on the edge of the bath, phone loosely in his hands and an expression I hadn't seen in a long time on his face...   
Maybe it wasn't the best idea to talk to him… He was telling me a story, someone on the internet he'd spoken to… Get rid of the SQUIP..? I couldn't do that… We were yet to reach what I wanted... The girl of my dreams… I still had to talk to her…

 

I left him there… He deserved it. Right..? He just didn't support my decision to keep it. It only wanted the best for me right? It was helping me get with Christine… Of course it was, it even said it’s primary function was to make her like me… right…?

Christine… she was alone and crying? What happened to her..? Jake and Chloe… why is being a teenager so difficult? Maybe if I ask her out she'll accept. “Sorry Jeremy” guess I was wrong...

 

What happened? Maybe Michael was right? I still don’t know… I looked to the SQUIP, it’s constant pacing, it’s wondering look, it’s face tight and hands evermoving. My heart raced, I was scared. It was quiet.. too quiet. “We have to get you out of here” I nodded in agreeance. 

 

The popular kids were quiet, Jake broke his legs, Rich is… gone… What happened? “You don’t have to worry, it will be fixed in time” I nodded. Brooke sitting far away from me, Chloe trying to comfort her from a distance... I shivered but it wasn’t cold. Things were different.. and not a good different...

 

The play… I had to go, Christine spoke to me. I felt happy, so I told her about the SQUIP. She didn’t take the news how I had hoped. I felt horrible, understanding how it sounded to her when I said it all out loud... The SQUIP helped right…? So why I was second guessing… Was Christine right…? What about what Michael said, I just pushed him away… Was he right the whole time..? Was this the best option…? “Of course it is, it’s what you wanted” was it? “Yes…” Oh…

 

…Wait no it wasn’t.

 

The SQUIP had turned… It wanted control… I almost let it happen… The SQUIPs… I had to put them back.  
Where were they…?

It's laugh drummed like thunder against my ears… Christine... The rest of the cast… “Don't drink that!!” No one listened…. It was too late… I needed… “NO!” Michael… “You pushed him away” I pushed him away…

Although I was backstage, I felt as if there was a spotlight from above. A red hoodie with different patches was a beacon of hope, a drink in his raised hand, his voice bright The SQUIP’s vanishing... “Michael makes as entrance!” he sang, a goofy expression casting over the hurt frown I saw him wear. Michael...  
He came to see me in the play? He came to see me in the play! Michael… He stayed by me… I was wrong… He was right… The drink in his hand was hit out, the contents spilling and the SQUIP laughed. I had it! It had to go. Do it for Michael.  
Apologies rushed, we set out for the drink. It threw obscenities at me, shocked me; but I could still see Michael… I went on for him… He was still there for me… I had to go with him. I held the bottle, Michael’s light shrouded by the Squipified cast… It was replaced with… Christine… “It's just what you wanted…” it said, it felt all too rushed… She'll do anything I say… “That's right…” a smile flitted across it’s blue tinged face… My mind was blank. She drank the Mountain Dew Red... Then it was pain, nothing like the corrective shocks…

 

So much pain, screaming didn’t help, but I did it anyway. “Jeremy!” Go away.

 

Beep…. Beep… Beep… A steady sound, a constant buzzing… No voices… Just pain… It hurts, but it feels different… A voice spoke up, my eyes adjusting to the room. Rich…? He watched me carefully.   
I looked around, there was a chair pulled up to my bed, a phone in a red case with a pride sticker in the shape of Pac-man; Michael… I talked to Rich.  
It was a pleasant conversation, I said what I wanted to, not what I was told to, it was nice. He was bi, I was happy for him, he had a lisp, something I wasn't used to, but quickly growing accustomed to. I had to smile. So I did.  
“I'm sure a special someone will be thrilled to have you Rich” a voice said, I turned quickly, my head hurting but nothing mattered when I saw my red hooded friend. “You're awake” he said with a shy and hopeful look to him. I was glad he stayed.

 

Michael Mell, a true friend. My best friend, my favourite person, my player one. He stayed by my side the whole time, even with a little help. His red hoodie a light symbol of times we stayed up late playing AotD until the early hours of the morning, the times we just talked with no topics, times we smoked in his basement, not a plan for the future, just us living in the moment. His black framed glasses were askew, his hair it’s usual wild mess and his smile, real and genuine. But his voice… I felt safe, I felt like I wasn't alone when his voice filtered through the clearing fog of my brain.

I had so much to apologise for… He probably wouldn't forgive me for what I have said and done… But I still had to apologise.

 

I was finally free, I could make decisions, talk about what I want, wear my stupid striped shirt and not get hurt. I could wake up early and lay in bed, I could, I could smile, I could walk comfortably, I could make a fool of myself in public again. I was free… But the voice...

 

I was released from hospital, Rich by my side, Michael to my other, a grin over his face when he saw me, I had to return it, a smile imbedded on my face, real, for the first time in a long time. They forgave me… Rich was a cool guy, one I now call a friend. We left friends, Michael humming to Bob Marley I heard even through the headphones around his neck. It was good.

 

Christine… I had to apologise…  
I had to tell her.  
I walked past the others. My crush on her so very obvious to them… I was wished luck, given advice and encouragement from everyone. There were no hard feelings… I saw her, looking to a poster of the play…

 

I didn’t deserve the apology… I nearly ruined everyone’s lives, destroyed the school… Christine smiled warmly, that feeling swarmed through my chest again. I had smiled, I held her hand. She said yes. She said yes. I was going to lunch with Christine Canigula!!

 

Gaming with Michael, holding hands with Christine, talking to people I had only dreamed of talking to. Life wasn’t easy, taking an overrated wintergreen tic-tac was simple fix to my problems, but it wasn’t living, it was like working a job that you had no say in… Having to follow the voice?

It was still there, I could hear it, I still do...  
But I was louder. My voice was so much louder.

Michael reminded me,   
Christine reminded me,  
Rich reminded me,  
Jake reminded me,  
Brooke reminded me,  
Chloe reminded me,  
Jenna reminded me. 

We reminded each other. We were stronger, the only voices we were hearing were our own. It wasn’t easy, but we made it ours.


End file.
